I forgot this existed.... LOL 😂🤦🏾‍♀️

I Didn't Ask For This

Ooh wee, I have been gone far too long. So I decided to post and just vent! lol

This past Monday was Epilepsy Awarness and my friends and I all changed our profile pics on FB and wore purple to show support. Now I am all about showing support for Epilepsy, ever since I was diagnosed in 2008. At times it can be rough, but I am still the same Amie I was before I was diagnosed.

Now the reason I am bloggin about this is because being epileptic is not easy, and it can be trying on your loved ones. But those who truly love and care for you stand by your side no matter what. Now I have had seizures at the worst times and in places I hated having them. I have had them in Kroger, Chinese restaurant, school, during ZUMBA, at the park, and during church. Now everyone has always been so kind and helpful. They made sure I was okay and if I needed anything, they took care of it. Now here's the tricky part, yes I can tell when I am about to have a seizure. That is called an aura and that also a form of seizure. But hey, I can't just get up and move and go somewhere else and have it.   

I have had seizures in church 3 times, that they've witnessed. A couple of weeks ago I had another one, and I was carried out and don't get me wrong I am grateful, but there is a weird vibe I am getting from certain people now. I have seizures when I am rest broken or stressed. Sunday I had a horrible headache, but I was there. It was Women's day and I wasn't going to miss it for anything. I was sitting in the choir when someone asked if I was okay. I told them I was fine, just a slight headache. Next thing I know someone comes to me and tells me in my ear in a low voice and says, "Amie, if you're going to be sick, you might want to get up and leave." I looked at her and said "I'm fine, it's just a headache." Sooo...at this point I got a lil sidetracked and was mad! If I go in the hallway and have a grand mal seizure and no one is there, am I suppose to just lay there until I wake up?! If I go out in the hallway and have a seizure and hit my head and no one is there to help me, that's cool as long as it doesn't interrupt the service?! Oh yea, I was fiya hot! BUT I kept my cool, asked for an aspirin and kept on going. And little does she know I had one after the choir finished singing and the preacher was preaching! Just looked like I was bowing my head.

Let me tell you people something. Give you a lil edumacation! Epileptics didn't ask for this! We didn't ask to have seizures day and night. To have to take medications so much that the side effects are worse than the seizures, sometimes. And YES I know, I have plenty of epileptic friends. We didn't ask for the seizures to cause brain damage, to cause us to forget important things to us. We didn't ask for these seizures to scare our friends and family so that they constantly worry about us. Oooh, I am BLESSED! I know epileptics who can't even take care of themselves. Have to depend on others to feed and bathe them. But when people act as if my health is just a distraction, aw naw, I get mad!

I do not take this lightly. I have too many people that God has brought into my life because of that and I am grateful. People have gone, but more beautiful people have entered in! For this I am thankful. But I just want to say this, I hope this person doesn't get sick around me anytime soon. I am going to do everything I can to help. That's who I am. But when I look her in the eye, I know what she'll see.

Gotta Let Go

Ooh wee I am so overdue! I know you missed me! A lot has occured and I have been extra busy getting life together. I have to say I am a happy camper when it comes to certain things. Now on the other hand, some issues are gnawing at the back of my neck trying to get me to just blow up!

So a few weeks ago I made a promise to myself. I was going to let go of some of my "bad habits" and try my best to do better. Well we're all grown here, right? One of my worst habits is going back to my ex. Here's why! He is what I call an addiction. I met him right after getting out of a relationship, when I was vulnerable. So yes I was attracted to him and I was reeled in easily. Also, he is chocolate and sexy! That's enough right there!! Plus there are things he can do...oh my bad! Anyhoo, everytime things start looking up in my life and I am happy, who pops up?? We'll call him "Choco Latte". He pops up out of nowhere and it's like we pick up right where we left off. I can go months, years without seeing or talking to him, and Choco Latte will email, text, Yahoo Messenger me and then "Oops I Did It Again"!!

This guy is like poison and a Margarita all wrapped into one. You don't need it but you can't stay away! Ugh! It's annoying, and sad. So I talked to my sister and she of course called me a "badass" and patted me on the back via the internet. But then we got serious about it. I know I have to let him go and stay away from him. But we all know how easy that is?! So what do you do? How do you stay away from someone who is literally part of you, part of your soul? How do you let go?

For once, I don't have the answer. But I did step one: blocked numbers and email. Too bad he can call from other numbers! Oy vey! I'll keep ya posted on this one. LOL Sheesh!

Oh yeah, listen to Kelly Price's song "Himaholic"...that's my song for him!!

Lil' Miss In Crowd

Have you ever had one of those times in your life where you just wanted to be a part of everything that was going on around you? All the parties and get-togethers...you know those types of things? I remember when I was younger I always wanted to be liked by everyone. No matter what, I just wanted to be liked. See when I was in elementary school I made straight A's. I was always on the Honor Roll, always participating in things, and I was happy. I had my friends I went to school with who I just adored, and then there were my friends who I saw during the week and on the weekends. Well then disaster hit and I went to middle school. That's when I started going to school with the friends I barely saw. See in elementary school the classroom had about 25-30 students and out of all those students maybe 1-3 black students in each class. But it was a great school and everyone got along great. So when I went to middle school I was thinking the same thing was gonna happen. WRONG! People who I had known all my life called me a "nerd" and "white girl" because I was smart. And of course grades dropped tremendously. They treated me like crap at school, but outside of school they were all buddy buddy and in my face. I remember one day one of my friends asked me to keep her folder for her because she was going to the basketball game. That day I lost ALL confidence in myself. My mom was a single mom but we had the BEST relationship in the world and we still do! But she and another "friend" wrote back and forth about me that the reason my dad wasn't around was because I was fat and stupid and just a lot of hurtful things. But here she was smiling in my face on a daily basis and acting as if it was all good. This hurt like HELL!! But me being the quiet and scared type I never said anything to her about it. Eventually I let it go and moved on. But I noticed a pattern when it came to these specific people, whenever I had something, there they were. But when I was down and out it was like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

As I got older and went to college I had low self-esteem but I tried to hide it. I ended up in a relationship that yes, I wish I could go back in time and ignore him when he pulled up next to me. BUT, if I did that I would not have my two beautiful boys! So something wonderful did come out of it and I am thankful for that. But as I grew up I realized I didn't need other people's approval or friendship to be happy. I always felt like in order to be happy I had to belong to something! I've always been different and there is NO doubt about that. I've always had more white friends than black....so what!? lol But I always pushed myself to make people like me, and for what??? If they don't like me, they don't like me. I cannot force someone to notice me, like me, care about me....etc. But I had my moments when I felt left out, felt alone. See it sucks not being able to go out when you don't have the money. It's a butt kick not being able to do certain things because you just can't afford it. And the last thing I want is someone going in their pocket just so I can have fun. Especially if it's more than once. So yep, I am a homebody now. =/ The last time I bought new clothes was.......................yea, that long ago. But I wouldn't change it for nothing in the world because I would rather starve than let my sons go hungry. So yea, I wanted to be part of the cliques, groups, in crowds....whatever you want to call it, but now I realize that none of that is important to me anymore.

I have come to love who I am, and the few TRUE friends I have mean more to me than anything in this world. I have a best friend who will drop everything just so I can come over to get away from it all. We'll drink margaritas, watch movies, and laugh all night long. Now if that isn't a friend, I don't know what is. ;-D I am so glad I finally realize this, because when you hold onto something you have had in your heart since childhood it is hard to let go of. Especially when it has pain deep inside of it. But oh what the power of prayer can do. See I had to go to God and ask Him to help me with this. To help me move past this and let this go. Because I couldn't keep holding onto past hurt, I would end up hurting myself in the end. Anyway, I have taken up too much of your time. Thanks for reading today! See you later!!

Expect The Great

So last Wednesday I posted a blog about how things weren't going the way I hoped. But in the end I wasn't going to give up. I talked about how I went to apply to get back in school so I could go ahead and catch up and graduate next March. Then I found out in order to register for my classes in April I had to make a payment no matter what. Well no sooner than I posted my blog, my house phone rang and it was my admissions advisor. He told me that he had good news for me and that I wasn't going to believe it. You ready for this????? He told me that I was going to get a $20,000.00 scholarship for school! So as I sat there listening to him, staring at the computer screen with my mouth wide open, I was in total disbelief!!!! I could not believe it! It was like I was dreaming and if someone has pinched me I was gonna punched the living daylights out of them and go right back to sleep! I was basically in awe. I was, well, speechless. So after I got off the phone I tweeted it and my best friend Katie was I think more excited than I was. LOL She knows what I've been going through and she's always been there no matter what! That's why we've been friends for umpteen years.....too many to name.

So later that day I went to church and my Pastor was teaching about having an attitude of excellence. And let me tell you guys something, before the last year was over with I had decided I was going to change my attitude when it came to certain things in my life. I decided I was going to change my attitude toward the way I viewed my health and when it came to school and it was like his lesson came just in time. And although some people may not believe it, IT WORKS!!!!! I have been living my life it a totally different atmosphere since November of last year and look at how things are turning around! Now I'm not saying things are perfect, but hey, I am thankful for the good and the bad because I know in the end I will come out on top! And guess what, I've already lost ten pounds! I mean I already thought I was sexy, but hey, dustin' off a little weight won't hurt! So my motto has been #ExpectTheGreat! I put that on Twitter everyday. Expect the best people. When you expect bad things to happen, guess what, they do. But when you expect great things to happen, they do!!

Have a beautiful evening everyone, I'm going to go spend time with my beautiful boys.

Oy Vey

         Oh man, I've been neglecting my blog! So anyhoo, I've been busy trying to get my plans in order. No, I'm not about to kick the bucket. But I do have some important things in life that I need to take care of before the year is over. For one, I am determined to finish school this year. I should have graduated last year. If not then at least by March this year. Well I have been in school since '08 working on earning my Bachelors in Business Administration. Unfortunately last Spring after I finished my classes I found out that I owe a balance that a single, unemployed, no income coming in mom can afford to pay. Now I have been trying everything possible but I just couldn't get the money to pay the balance. Well I was on the verge of giving up and just throwing in the towel when I went to my school and spoke to an admissions officer. She told me last year that if I came back in the beginning of the year I could apply as a new student and also get a scholarship that would help with my tuition. WOO HOO!! Yes! That is all I needed to hear!! So guess what I did for two hours yesterday?! That!! I reapplied and I was accepted and found out my tuition for the Spring semester is $55. Great, right? Yes and no. That balance is still there and I have to pay it before I start in the Spring! :'( So even though I am ready to start classes and ready to graduate I cannot start until that little roadblock is gone. *shoulders drop* BUT, I am going to make it. Because this is something that means too much to me to give up on now! I have worked too hard to give up now. Classes start in April, so I have got to bust my a%& to find a job so I can pay this balance, plus other bills I might have. Like my poor lil cell phone that is no longer ringing. :'(


     That's another thing!!! Why can't I find a job!? You'd think I was some kind of illiterate idiot! I have applied over and over everywhere for every kind of job that is out there and I can't get a job to save my life!!! UGH! Do you know how frustrating it is not being able to buy your kids undershirts and socks because you can't afford it at FRED'S?! Whoosa!! It's hard, but I keep going and I keep trying because I have faith. I really do believe that it's going to happen and I am going to come out on top. =) Besides if I don't keep telling myself that, who will? ;-) Anyway, enough venting for the day! Peace out bloggers!

Live. Laugh. Love.

New Beginning

      It's almost a new year and at the end of the year everyone always makes plans of what they're going to do different next year. I used to make a list too, until I realized there wasn't a point to it. I never stuck to the list and if I said I was going to lose weight, I somehow did the exact opposite! LOL So this year there is no list or whatever you wanna call it. But there will be changes. There will be some deleting though. ;-) If I haven't talked to you in over a month, no matter whose fault it is, you will be deleted from my phone. So simple. I plan on reading more of The Word. The entire Bible by the end of 2012. I know I can! =) I will be employeed before March! I will be back in school in January! Like I posted in an earlier blog, I am going to celebrate the entire month of January for my birthday. Maybe all year. I am so blessed to still be here, so I intend to celebrate! This is going to be a great year. =) 2011 is going to end fabulous and the New Year will begin fabulous! I'm getting excited. Everyone should be grateful to have survived this year and ready to begin a New Year! New Beginnings!

"I love my life. I may not have everything I ever wanted, but I have exactly what I need!" - Amie Phillips Dec. 2011