Lil' Miss In Crowd

Have you ever had one of those times in your life where you just wanted to be a part of everything that was going on around you? All the parties and get-togethers...you know those types of things? I remember when I was younger I always wanted to be liked by everyone. No matter what, I just wanted to be liked. See when I was in elementary school I made straight A's. I was always on the Honor Roll, always participating in things, and I was happy. I had my friends I went to school with who I just adored, and then there were my friends who I saw during the week and on the weekends. Well then disaster hit and I went to middle school. That's when I started going to school with the friends I barely saw. See in elementary school the classroom had about 25-30 students and out of all those students maybe 1-3 black students in each class. But it was a great school and everyone got along great. So when I went to middle school I was thinking the same thing was gonna happen. WRONG! People who I had known all my life called me a "nerd" and "white girl" because I was smart. And of course grades dropped tremendously. They treated me like crap at school, but outside of school they were all buddy buddy and in my face. I remember one day one of my friends asked me to keep her folder for her because she was going to the basketball game. That day I lost ALL confidence in myself. My mom was a single mom but we had the BEST relationship in the world and we still do! But she and another "friend" wrote back and forth about me that the reason my dad wasn't around was because I was fat and stupid and just a lot of hurtful things. But here she was smiling in my face on a daily basis and acting as if it was all good. This hurt like HELL!! But me being the quiet and scared type I never said anything to her about it. Eventually I let it go and moved on. But I noticed a pattern when it came to these specific people, whenever I had something, there they were. But when I was down and out it was like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

As I got older and went to college I had low self-esteem but I tried to hide it. I ended up in a relationship that yes, I wish I could go back in time and ignore him when he pulled up next to me. BUT, if I did that I would not have my two beautiful boys! So something wonderful did come out of it and I am thankful for that. But as I grew up I realized I didn't need other people's approval or friendship to be happy. I always felt like in order to be happy I had to belong to something! I've always been different and there is NO doubt about that. I've always had more white friends than black....so what!? lol But I always pushed myself to make people like me, and for what??? If they don't like me, they don't like me. I cannot force someone to notice me, like me, care about me....etc. But I had my moments when I felt left out, felt alone. See it sucks not being able to go out when you don't have the money. It's a butt kick not being able to do certain things because you just can't afford it. And the last thing I want is someone going in their pocket just so I can have fun. Especially if it's more than once. So yep, I am a homebody now. =/ The last time I bought new clothes was.......................yea, that long ago. But I wouldn't change it for nothing in the world because I would rather starve than let my sons go hungry. So yea, I wanted to be part of the cliques, groups, in crowds....whatever you want to call it, but now I realize that none of that is important to me anymore.

I have come to love who I am, and the few TRUE friends I have mean more to me than anything in this world. I have a best friend who will drop everything just so I can come over to get away from it all. We'll drink margaritas, watch movies, and laugh all night long. Now if that isn't a friend, I don't know what is. ;-D I am so glad I finally realize this, because when you hold onto something you have had in your heart since childhood it is hard to let go of. Especially when it has pain deep inside of it. But oh what the power of prayer can do. See I had to go to God and ask Him to help me with this. To help me move past this and let this go. Because I couldn't keep holding onto past hurt, I would end up hurting myself in the end. Anyway, I have taken up too much of your time. Thanks for reading today! See you later!!